The Current Situation

My life has taken a lot of twists and turns over the last summer, as I'm sure a select few of you know. To begin, I am now on two types of psychoactive medication; Lexapro and Wellbutrin. Let me explain what each of those does. The former is one that helps with a certain condition called "dysthymia," or as my physician puts it, "Eeyore syndrome." This condition (which I believe more people suffer from than anyone thinks) makes people very apathetic, much like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. The latter, Wellbutrin, is more of just an overall mood enhancer.

Other than that there have been some more noticeable changes to my life. I am only going part-time to school, taking only 6 credits. I have also switched from being a Computer Science major to the more fitting Computer Game Design department, where I have met many a kind soul.

The reason why you haven't heard from me in upwards of two months is that I haven't had access to a computer at home. This has been the most recent and most impacting concern that I am recently facing. It all started when I quit a job that I had at a restaurant after just a few days. There are many sides to this story, and many "reasons" why I did it. I'm not going to get into those...just know that I still do not regret that decision. But I digress...

My parents got extremely mad at me, which I resentfully understand. They decided that I should not be allowed on the computer until I got a job, which I was less than enthusiastic to do, because I wanted more of my focus to be on school and my future. My parents' decision to take me off the computer is one that I will resent for the rest of my life. It has put my life at a standstill for the past two months, with no real way that I can be productive in the areas that I need to. This has lasted until this day... I almost have a good job; a job that I can actually get behind and one that I think will help me a great deal. The job is being a lab monitor in the art building at Mason, which is where Computer Game Design is based. It would be perfect and I should hear within the next few days.

I'm living at home this semester, which is something bittersweet, to say the least. It might become a little irritating having to live with my parents, but I've made it 19 years so far, so I should be able to make a few more. The upside, though, is that there ARE less distractions and a little more subconscious motivation for me to do my work.

That's all I can think of now. I'll try to just keep plugging away, I guess...

- D

I'm Back

Surprise!!

Ok, maybe not that much of a surprise, because no one actually reads this...but still...surprise!!

I will be posting more in the near future. A lot has happened to me this past summer, and I mean a LOT. I can't really say too much right now because I have a meeting with someone in about 15 minutes. If you were wondering, I am back at GMU going to school part-time, and I am planning to change my major to Computer Game Design; it's a little more up my alley.

I'll try to fill [you] in on more later but for now just know that I'm doing better than I normally am and once I get my computer back (long story :/), I'll be posting even more; but for now I'll find computers whenever I can.

- D

Pinch Me

I rarely actually dream about the girls I like, don't know why. Last night, however, I had a dream about one that just recently closed all possible doors I could have found. It was innocent enough. I was going to see her at her driving school and she "confessed" her love to me. Afterwards, I went on a skiing trip and forgot my skiing clothes (I don't have any). When I was with her in the dream, I quite literally pinched myself twice because I thought I was dreaming.

I didn't wake up when I pinched myself. I wish I had never woken up from that, it would have been perfect. For the first time in my life, I would have gotten something that I really wanted, right from the top of my list; I won't get her, though, and now I just need to worry about accepting it. I need to keep her as a friend; I need to keep her off my mind.

- D

The Purpose of Motivation

Most of us have seen a video or heard a song that has motivated us. It speaks about today's age going away from the more hardworking era and towards an era of instant gratification; one which rewards people for barely doing anything. It talks about working hard just to work hard and accomplish something most people don't.

It grabs our attention and makes us decide that second that we are going to change; we are going to try and make a difference in our lives because of a two minute audio clip, and it's good.

But what happens when that video ends? What happens when you snap back to reality. In those two minutes after the video, we justify our lives in order to not change. That's the problem with those videos. They are without the correct medium to actually LET us change our lives. They don't LET us make any big changes, because, as I sit here having just woken up in the dark, I won't change my life; I'm not in the position to.

That's what we need to do...FIND the position to change our lives. FIND that one golden circumstance that allows you for true inspired change...THEN you will have changed, and it will be for the better.

- D

Try Your Darndest

I think it's a basic human desire to want to be in a situation that really tests your limits; just to really try your strengths to their extent and leave you empty. I've never really been in a situation like this. My life has been relatively relaxed. The only time I think that a human being will really push their limit, though, is when it is life or death for them or somebody they love.

If I could die tomorrow, without regret and having saved someone, I would absolutely make that choice. Think about it.

- D

Night Out in Sydney

So my sister took me out with her group of friends out to Sydney last night. Here's the scenario. It was a group of seven attractive girls who were used to going out and....me. I'm not an unrealistic person, I wasn't expecting "something" to happen; it wasn't that kind of night. It's just hard for me to open up to that caliber of girl without really getting to know them chugging hard liquor. Thanks to them, though, they were very nice and I did have a lot of fun for a while. I mostly sat there and looked around while they talked and laughed; while I would occasionally laugh at one of their jokes.

Then we met these three guys; Liam, Daniel, and Tom. Daniel was "canoodling" with Amanda (the hottest one, imho). Tom was with a girl named Rachel (also very attractive). Liam, however, decided to "take me out to find some girls," as he put it. For those of you who know me and how I am, you know that this didn't work out too well. I'm not saying I didn't have fun walking around watching him talk to girls while sticking to the walls; it's just not the first thing I do at a club.

In conclusion, I know that the group of girls will, unfortunately, never read this; but thanks. I look the youngest out of all of you and don't particularly fit in socially, but thanks for making a me a member of the group for one night, at least.

- D

Day Four Down Unda

Well I'm in day 4 now. To recap, I've eaten at a lot of places. I saw my sister sing in her a cappella group (she was amazing, and so was the rest of her group; I'm happy i went). I walked around Sydney and went to the top of the Sydney Eye (tall building, looked around). We saw the botanic garden, which includes thousands of bats. After that we went to the Sydney Opera House and ate at one of the most expensive eateries I've ever been to. We went there, had a few beers and four appetizers. Then we payed $120. It seemed almost like two separate events.

The things that I've done here have been interesting, to say the least, but I feel like I am not the type of person that would appreciate this type of "sight-seeing" vacation. I don't want to seem ungrateful, although I'm sure that I will, but I just don't like this kind of ooh-look-at-that-it's-so-pretty type of lifestyle that we are living here. I am going to go out and party with my sister and her friends at some point and that sounds fun. Other than that, I just find the constant walkaround of the place boring.

If it wasn't for my sister, I think that I would be about ready to go home. I miss my computer, being the kind of person I am, and I miss my home. I'm sure I will enjoy the rest of our stay, but that will be more out of necessity than true interest.

- D

Australian Differences

Well I've been in Australia for almost a full day. It was really good to see my sister, as she met us at the airport. She did her best to show us around the city, or at least as much of the city we were awake enough to see.

While I was exploring Australia, there are many differences that I have noticed. I will do my best to start with the ones that everyone knows, and go on to the more obscure/subtle differences.

• Everyone drives and walks on the left. Also, people drive on the right side of the car. This means all the controls are reversed, as well. That means that whenever we make a turn, the windshield wipers go off instead of the turn signals.
• The accents are cool. I've always loved an Australian accent. A hot girl with an Australian accent becomes an even hotter girl.
• The money is different. It's worth a small percentage more than American dollars. Also, everything here is way more expensive. My sister ordered a burger yesterday for $25.
• When you say "thank you," people don't say "you're welcome." They say "no worries" or "not a problem."
• There are two different buttons for flushing a toilet. A small flush, and a big flush; this depends on, well, you get the point.
• They love being "green." There are a number of things that have to do with conserving energy. Every wall socket has a switch that you turn off when it isn't being used, for example.
• There is no heat in the houses. When it gets cool (we are heading into Australia's winter right now), you just put on a sweater, or turn on a space heater.
• Pineapple on hamburgers. Revolutionary. America, please do your part.
• Birds are annoying. Really annoying.
• I can drink. I haven't had a full fledged legal drink, but since the drinking age is 18, I will be taking advantage of that at some point.

That's all I can think of for now. I'm sure I'll update with more later.

- D

Airplane 3

So I’m on the flight(s) to Australia. The one I’m currently on is going to San Francisco. It’s a six hour flight, and I will be arriving at 7:30 PST and thereafter post this online (I’m writing in Word whilst 20,000 feet above everyone). After that, I will be sitting for about a two and a half hour layaway in the airport. After that, it’s off to Australia! I have no idea how long the flight is going to be, but it will be long. Luckily, I am riding in a 747, which I’m pretty sure just stands for 747 “plane units” bigger than the planes that you normally fly in… I just hope it means more leg room possibly. For now, though, I have to live through about two more hours of this. It’s not bad really, I’m not one to complain; I can just sit and listen to music, having already slept for about an hour.

My right leg fell asleep, though, which kind of sucks. I’m in a window seat (thank god) and my right leg is all the way against the wall, with two people to my left. They are both asleep with many things in their lap, so I’m not about to tell them to get up just so I can use the bathroom; young bladder, I can hold it. Other than that, I put two full seasons of Doctor Who on my laptop, I have 3,000+ songs on my iPhone, and I have my 3DS with about eight games. So, naturally, I’m incredibly bored and have nothing to do. I guess I’ll put on the next episode…

- D

Departure Times

So, today I'm leaving for Australia. 99% of the reason I'm going is to see my sister. I haven't seen her in months and I miss her a lot. I'll do my best to post what I'm doing while I'm there to keep everyone up to speed. I am pretty much fully packed but I only have an hour to get everything else together. That means I have to go, unfortunately.

See you down under...

- D

The End of College

So...I'm here. I'm at the end of my first year of college. What have I learned? I know several more drinking games than I care to admit. I've learned that you can skip classes in college and still do fine, but you really shouldn't. When I ask my roommate what we've learned in college, he literally just shrugs and says "I'm gay." Well that's what he learned; big life change; I'm happy for him.

But for me? I don't think I've changed that much. I think I've learned to be more patient in every situation. I hide my emotions better. In contrast, I might be a louder person as well... There may have been classes teaching me things; little tidbits of information I'll have to call on at one point or another in my life. Other than that, though, I'm just going to do my best to continue my college life as long as I can.

I guess out of everything that I may or may not have learned, I've learned that when I'm sitting in my bed late at night, blogging/thinking about how miserable I think my life is, I can just go to sleep and forget about it in the morning. I can do my best to remain completely ignorant or maybe just apathetic towards the downfalls of my life.

Helps me cope by not coping.

- D

PS: I leave for Australia in 5 days.

Holidays

Yesterday was Mother's Day. That's a ridiculous holiday that has no historical significance whatsoever... I'm not bashing mothers, don't think that I am. My Mom has done everything for me and I thank her for it. I would never be who I am today without her. Holidays, though, like this one, are just flat out ludicrous in the fact that they only exist for companies to sell cards and a breathtaking amount of flowers. What really disgusted me today is when I went to Giant to buy a card. They're so non personal that I couldn't even stand being there.

Other holidays, too; they're all pretty much the same. It's hard to describe, but it just stems off of my hate for the way consumer products are advertised. There's so much fallacy in the way that everything is presented, but everyone, including me, just continues to ignorantly eat it all up.

- D

Faces

Why is it so difficult for people, including me, to feel a second of vulnerability, or more importantly, self awareness?

When you can look at yourself and actually understand what you're looking at is something that is great. I just find it so difficult to feel that, because I like to think of myself as an enigma, if that makes any sense. It's difficult to feel like an open book, where anyone can take a read and know exactly how you feel.

That's why I try my best to mask myself behind humor and overall insecurity. All of us have something that we hide behind. Whether it's just a wall of silence, or the whole "tough guy" act, we all have two identities.

We are what we show people.

We are what we actually are.

Well, I guess we actually have three; we just haven't admitted the third one to ourselves yet.

- D

highercase lowkoos

needed a blog name
decided to be honest
ignorant ramblings

i met a new girl
it was when i started school
then i got friend-zoned

miss my relatives
when do i get to see them
i really can't wait

no punctuation
this post will annoy my dad
wrote a newspaper

- d

ps: switch high and low

Same Old Same Old

Sorry, it's been a while since my last post. I don't really have an excuse; I haven't been busy or sick; things just haven't really happened in a while. I also just haven't had the motivation to post anything, my bad.

My classes are pretty much over, at least the stressful things, so now I have nothing to worry about. This marks the end of my first year of college. I've changed a lot I guess; my outlook on life has, at least. I have to point out something, though, that I never really thought would happen. Right now, I don't have that much to stress about; I have a great life. I'm still miserable, though.

I've told this to a few loved ones, too, that I can't remember any part of my life where I truly succeeded or was legitimately happy. Sure I can have fun, anyone can; I just always have some part of me that feels awful.

I want to reach out to someone. I want someone who I can actually talk to about everything. Not just that, I want someone who will ask me how I'M feeling, instead of the other way around. I'll find someone, I suppose.

Or maybe I've already found Her, and I don't even know it.......

- D

Apolog-easy

Sort of a cheesy title, isn't it...

How can we possibly tell if an apology is actually genuine and heartfelt. Little known fact, most of them aren't. It doesn't matter how big your ego is, people do not like to apologize. It's a very blatant way of telling someone that you are worse than them when it comes to certain circumstances. That's why no one really likes to apologize, and they rarely do it willingly.

And I'm not talking about post-accident apologies. You know where you accidentally break someones wine glass or something. I'm talking about the I'm-sorry-I-led-you-on-for-years type of apology, the shit that actually matters. People need to just come right and say that they're sorry instead of just pretending nothing happened and moving on...

Now back to my book...

- D

New Faces

I had a fascinating experience today. I was planning to hang out with someone from my English class to discuss a project to which we were assigned. She is a very attractive girl named Mrika (pretty name). Well we got to talking, and as some conversations unfortunately go, we stumbled upon the topic of religion.

As most of you probably know, I am an atheist, and don't particularly respect religion that much. Mrika, as it turned out, is Catholic. Even though I don't respect religion, she put it in the most amazing way. She talked about how it's hard for her to humble herself and just follow her blind faith toward the religion she believes. She pointed out that the more she learns about science and how the world works, the harder it is to believe in something like religion.

I've had countless arguments with other people on the matter of religion. None, however, actually left me leaving refreshed and more respectful towards the religion. Thanks, Mrika, I hope to get to know you more...

- D

Priorities

I might go dark on my blog for a while, for I am beginning a new book! This one probably won't last, but whatever. This means that I will be spending my potential blogging time writing a book instead. If things happen in my life, however, I will still post about it, because I'm a sap who loves attention.

- D

Unsuccessful

Decided to pull an all-nighter which is ending right about now. Got out of all my classes today, which is good, because I'm feeling absolutely awful, like sick or something. It's not the tired kind of awful either, just overall bad. So I emailed my professors and told them that I couldn't be at class; there was nothing really important going on today anyways.

The unsuccessful part is that I'm about to go to bed. I don't like going to bed at this time because it always fucks with my body clock, but oh well, sleep might feel good I guess. I also learned a lot more about my psyche and have decided to start writing a book. I don't think it will last, but this time (third time I've tried), I actually really like the subject I'm writing it on.

But for now folks, good night, see you another day/night/life...

- D

What A Long Strange Trip It's Been

First year of college -- almost over... A lot of memories, a few good friends, some less than adequate grades, but most of all, experience. I know a little bit more about what to expect from people. Nobody really cares about anyone else. They really only care about themselves in the end. Also, there really is no true way to know exactly what a person thinks of you as a person; they will always lie and tell you what they want you to think.

On a completely unrelated note, I have been texting one of my friends from high school recently. It's incredibly refreshing to text her and know that she actually cares about me/won't judge me constantly when I'm with her. I really think I like her, and now realize how much I actually miss her.

I don't think she reads this blog, but I wish she knew how excited I was to see her over the summer; I really want to hang out with her a lot. It's people like that that really give me more hope in people; she makes me wonder whether there are other caring people out there; just like my sister; just genuinely good people who actually look out for your well-being and your feelings every once in a while. I miss my sister as well, living life to the fullest in both New Zealand AND Australia, the lucky SOB.

- D

Creative Title

Believe me, I'm going to keep doing the same thing; I don't like change. I just wish that people around me would recognize me and help ME for once.

At what point does it stop becoming satisfying to help people? I like to listen; and from my point of view, I think I'm good at it. I like to help people work out their problems; and again, from my point of view, I think I mostly have a positive impact. Where it gets irritating, though, is when people take you for granted... It gets to the point where people don't recognize the good that you are doing, and all they see is the few selfish things that you do.

I have problems, too...I don't see anyone caring.

- D

But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them

I really like you. I do. You're so nice, and sweet, and you listen to all my problems and respond with the appropriate compliments. But, well, I don't really see a relationship in our future. It would be terrible if we let sex destroy this great friendship we have where I get everything I want and you get nothing you want. Don't you think?

I knew you would understand. You always do.

We're so perfect as friends, you know? I can tell you anything, and you know you can always come to me anytime you need to hear me bitch about work or how ugly I feel. You wouldn't want to ruin a friendship like that just so you could be my boyfriend, and have me look at you with desire and longing in my eyes, if only once—would you? Of course not. Well, if we started dating, it would only complicate this wonderful setup I've got going here.

It's just…you're like my best friend, and I would hate for something you desperately want to change that. I mean, sure, we could go on some dates, maybe mess around a little and finally validate the six years you've spent languishing in this platonic nightmare, but then what? How could we ever go back to the way we were, where I take advantage of your clear attraction to me so I can have someone at my beck and call? That part of our friendship means so much to me.

No. We are just destined to be really, really good friends who only hang out when I don't have a boyfriend, but still need male attention to boost my fragile and all-consuming ego.

Anything can happen once you bring romance in. Think about how awful my last relationship was at the end, remember? The guy I'd call you crying about at 3 a.m. because he wouldn't answer my texts? The guy I met at the birthday party you threw me? I had insanely passionate sex with him for four months and now we don't even talk anymore. God, I would die if something like that happened to us.

Plus, ick, can you even imagine getting naked in front of each other? I've known you so long, you're more like a brother that I've drunkenly made out with twice and never mentioned again. It'd be way too weird. And if we did, then whenever you'd come shopping with me, or go to one of my performances or charity events, or take me for ice cream when I've had a bad day at work, you'd be looking at me like, "I've seen her breasts." God, I can't think of anything more awkward that that.

Oh, before I forget, my mom says hi.

Anyway, you would totally hate me as your girlfriend. I'd be all needy and dramatic and slowly growing to love you. If I was your girlfriend, I would never be able to tell you all about the other asshole guys I date and pretend I don't see how much it crushes you. Let's never lose that. That's what makes us us.

Don't worry. You're so funny and smart and amazing, any girl but me would be lucky to date you. You'll find someone, I know it. And when you do, I'll be right by your side to suddenly become all flirty and affectionate with you in front of her, until she grows jealous and won't believe it when you say we're just friends. But when she dumps you, that's just what we'll be.

Best friends. Friends forever...

Now, you might notice that this is, in fact, from The Onion... I just wanted to post it because it is the story of everything in my life...

- D

Blogception

This blog has become a lot more about me and my fucked up problems that don't actually matter than what I actually meant this blog to be like. Sorry for being cynical and narcissistic. I don't mean to be, but that's the way I am. I'll try to post about more interesting thoughts I guess... It's just so easy to vent in this pseudo-anonymous fashion.

- D

I Hate Apologies

I am completely pissed off at my current social situation. I want out and I don't want to see any of the people that I currently hang around with. I am constantly being walked all over and I can tell that no one really gives a shit what I want. All I ever try to do is help, but people take that for granted and purposefully make fun of me. So fuck it, I'm done; I'm going to stop being nice all the time. It doesn't matter what the hell you think of me because I'm done. There might be one or two of you that I might be fine with keeping in touch with; but for the most part; fuck you.

All the guys are just obsessed with power play. They are completely obsessed with proving that they are better than every other guy; it's like we're in high school. I don't care about who I'm better than, but it's just god damn irritating when every person around you is completely obsessed with it.


You know what the sad part is? Tomorrow, I am going to go back to my normal self, completely over this temporary moment of lucidity. I am not going to try to change anything because I'm worried about what people think of me. There, I said it. I'm worried about the way that people think about me. I try not to admit it, but it's true; I actually care about my social image. Fuck.

- D

Psyche

Today in English, we were discussing torture; it was because of some article we read.

The girl next to me said these words, I fuck you not: "If I was tortured, I'd just laugh." No you would not. If you were tortured, you would yell and scream like the rest of us. That's just a ridiculous thing to say. The human psyche is an easy thing to break if one inflicted enough pain to the body. Consider this, and keep in mind, it's incredibly dark to think about...

Someone kidnaps a woman who is about nine months pregnant and delivers the baby as safely as he can. He then allows the woman to become attached to the child. After attachment is established, which would only take a day or two, he gives the woman a choice every day: for her to be tortured, or her child. Since protection of young is built into human instinct, the woman would obviously choose herself. This would continue for weeks and maybe even months; but there would be a distinct time where she would completely snap and tell him to torture the baby.

This is the scary part of human torture; everyone has a breaking point. It's terrifying but also fascinating to think about (sorry for this being such a dark post). It just annoys me that some people think that they would be fine if they were captured/abducted and tortured.

- D

Benefits

Today in psychology class we discussed how relationships work. This wasn't very easy for me because I have never been in one. If you talk to someone that is in a relationship, they are all "oh relationships aren't that great, they're really overrated." Well that might be true if you see it that way, but if all someone wants is just someone they can talk to in a more intimate setting, then relationships aren't overrated.

They are very important for retaining someone's sanity. If there is someone that you share everything with, everything will be much easier to deal with.

- D

Revenge of the Nerds

I've always wanted to rave about this, so here goes.

Why the fuck are the words nerd and geek always given a negative connotation... Why is playing certain games or involving yourself with certain activities considered to be uncool behavior and make you rejected by the majority? I don't do many of these things; I like to think that I hang out with people outside of the Internet sometimes...but I know that I have been pinned as a nerd many-a-time.

Why the hell is that a bad thing? Nerds are known to have a higher intelligence and will probably make more money later in life. There is no reason for nerds to be rejected by society and have to hide what they like to do best. If people want to LARP, then they should do it as long as it doesn't bother anyone else or get in the way of their education.

It's ridiculous, our society....

- D

Simple Procrastination

I really should be writing my outline right now, but I can't really get it started; which sucks, because it's due tomorrow and it's going to take me at least an hour after I actually work on it. Oh well, I really feel like writing a post tonight.

I'm really an introvert at heart, but for some reason I always end up around loads of people. I somehow end up in a large group of friends who annoy me all the time. I am definitely more comfortable when I'm alone with my games; just me and all the people on the computer with whom I don't need to speak. I think it's because I'm constantly jealous of those around me and very insecure about every element of myself. But somehow, at the same time, I have an absurdly inflated ego.

On an equally depressing note, my desktop has recently broken, forcing me to do all of my homework on my tiny netbook. You might be thinking, "but, D, since your computer is broken, you shouldn't need to procrastinate because you have no games to play." Man you're smart, that's what I thought, too! But nonetheless, I'm stuck here jumping from Facebook to 4chan doing absolutely fuck nothing.

- D

Platonic

In my opinion, in 95% of cases, there is no possible way for a girl and a guy (provided they are both heterosexual) to be strictly friends. One of them will always desire more out of the other. You might be reading this saying "but Anon and I get along fine with nothing more!" If you are, then you are either in the 5% (lucky you), or the other person is very good at hiding the feelings he/she has towards you.

To explain this I have to appear very shallow. Behind every person lies a number, their rating, if I may. Let's just say, for the sake of argument that this number is between 1 and 10. Obviously, no one is the same rating exactly, but I'm going to explain it easily because I'm lazy. If a boy and a girl know each other and the guy is a 6 and the girl is an 8 (I hate the way that sentence is worded but I can't find another way), then the guy will pretty much always desire the girl, because she is two "points" above him.

All human beings are intrinsically shallow, whether they admit it or not. Upon seeing an amazingly attractive female, all men will lust (sorry to ruin your shroud of ignorance). It is also true the other way around, but it mostly applies to males.

So before you see your friend as just a friend with no complications, consider the possibility of him wanting more out of the relationship, regardless of what he's actually told you in person. 

- D

Not About Me

Even the mighty fall. Recently, one of my two best childhood friends had sort of a shitty week. The first thing that happened was he learned he was moving from Virginia to LA. LA might be fun, but he is leaving a lot of his friends and family behind. Then, worse happened. His girlfriend of about two years broke up with him. He sort of saw this coming but refused to actually realize it as real until she actually told him. I'm kind of tired right now; I might continue this story later. I just wish I could go to Stanford to see him...

- D

Tidbit

You know if you REALLY want to make a point, you capitalize the words that you think you should? (See what I did there)? What if I want to capitalize the word "I" in a sentence. It sucks. I could bold it. I could italicize it. But nothing gets the point across as much as capitalizing the word.

- D

College

I have changed since I went to college. A lot. I've gone from mindless gamer to mindless gamer who has a decent social life. That doesn't mean I don't still lurk 4chan or baww over my complete lack of sex appeal; I just do other things along with that. I think some of the people around me have noticed, too. My emotions have completely made full circle as well. I like to think that my overall outlook on life has changed, but sadly I cannot say that this is true. 

I'm still depressed. I'm still confused. I'm still completely lost in the emotions I can't control. I wish you knew what I actually feel. I wish I knew what I actually feel.

- D

English 101 Rant

The term "accidental plagiarism" shouldn't exist. That's ridiculous. I mean, I'm sorry if I write a worthless college paper and forget to give you all the credit that you're due. Truly, my bad. But that shouldn't get me a lower grade on the assignment. If you're wondering why I'm writing about this, it's just because we were talking about it in class... I didn't actually get caught for anything like this.

Anyways, back to business. Most complaints by teachers against plagiarism is bullshit, anyways. This type of complaint isn't going to stop the people who are actually going to try and plagiarize an entire paper (find it online and buy/download it); but it is going to hinder those students who are actually trying to do the work correctly and get a good grade. And again, I'm not bashing citations as a whole, because citations are definitely important to give credit where it's due.

But just the mere fact that someone can get into trouble for forgetting a citation or putting it in the wrong place, is very fucked up. No one should have to "avoid" plagiarism. The only way plagiarism should happen, is if someone is trying to plagiarize.

- D

Silver Lining

I guess I should start focusing on the more entertaining part of life, not the shitty way my life is going. Earlier today, I found out that someone that lives next to me is writing their Conflict Resolution paper on ME. That's right, they are writing about having a conflict with yours truly. This totally made my day. It isn't often that you make an impact on one's life, and a negative impact is all the more satisfying. Even so, I'm just glad that someone actually sees me as an influential part in this world; it doesn't matter what/who I'm influencing.

On an unrelated note, a wise man that is very close to me told me to "Transcend your ego." This is exactly what someone like me needs to do if they are at all going to enjoy life. This is also what I must do if I plan to live to my full potential. I have an absurdly bloated ego. The thing I need to learn to do is actually do things that compliment my ego positively. I need to go out and do amazing things because of the fact that I am an amazing person with an amazing intellect.

- D

Obby

There's always that one guy that I know, but whom I also despise. And there is never a good reason for me to despise him or her. In this case, it's a guy on my floor who I shall leave nameless. He seems to be pretty well liked among the others on the floor and he leads a fairly passive lifestyle, but there is just something about him that makes me not like him.

He's not very smart, but who am I to judge. He doesn't really do anything for others and he mooches a lot, but again, I do those things. I don't know why it is, but it just makes me angry every time that he's around, even if he isn't doing anything.

I don't think it's just me, either. You know what I'm talking about. I'm not talking about your general ass hat that you don't like. I'm also not referring to the person that you don't like just because he has something you want. I'm referring to the guy who is just sometimes around who really puts you on edge for no reason whatsoever. It could be the way they eat, or the way they move their mouth when they talk. It might even be something as simple as how they walk or the sound of their laugh but it is these people that make me more angry than most things can.

- D

PS: Post #50

Her Part Last

It's hard for me to be around you, so I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know how you feel, but just let me know. I need to do something that will provide some sort of closure.

For now, I'm just going to keep to myself. I have realized that I am not a party person. I normally much prefer to just be alone in my room doing absolutely nothing, or hanging out with other loners that don't really give a shit about the tiring social norms of our time. I'm fucking exhausted of all the "rules" that I'm supposed to follow in order to not be ridiculed or not be called a "faggot." Come on guys, are we still in high school?

But I digress... TO HER: I'm not mad at you. I still love you, though you don't know it and might never. I just don't think it's that easy for me to be around you anymore.

- D

Hatred

I've slowly began to hate everyone around me. I'm not talking directly about anyone (right now I'm not, at least), but I do feel things about specific people that make me eager to leave this room after this semester and be with a new group of friends. People have just started doing things/I've realized certain things about people that just makes me not want to be around them. So many people have so many ways about them that just add to my list of hundreds of pet peeves.

There are still plenty of people that I enjoy being around, sure, but there are just so many that I wouldn't mind not seeing again. Oh well...hopefully this will pass. I feel like Professor Farnsworth.

- D

Checking In

I've been pretty down lately. My life isn't going the way it really should be. My grades are actually picking up, which I didn't actually expect. I just don't like how my relationships are going at school. It's hard to explain, but I've had trouble with the people around me a lot and it is really starting to get old. I don't mind people using me for small things. I don't mind people hating me, because I understand why they do (most of the time).

The only thing I absolutely can't stand is people lying to me, or leading me on. I can normally tell, but when it comes to certain people I definitely can't. So if you have a problem with me, or really want to tell me something, please do. Don't keep secrets, it's stupid, I normally don't get mad about anything so just tell me.

- D

Motivation

Motivation can strike at the oddest times. Last night, I was eating with a few friends and afterwards, I decided to go work out...directly after eating. GOOD IDEA, MAN. So I went and I rowed a 10k. For those of you that don't know what that entails, it is the use of nearly every core muscle in your body for about 40-42 minutes. It sucked, but afterwards I felt awesome...took a cold shower...and went to sleep.

This really makes me think about how people actually get motivated...and to be honest I don't even know how it works at all. Sorry to waste your time...

- D

Mistakes

We all fuck up. We all make mistakes. I don't care who you are; you've done things you regret. But most of us have fairly good intentions. We mean well for ourselves, but we just don't know how to do it.

I'm in danger of failing out of college. My friends have told me, I have told myself, and my parents have told me. I don't know what to do, though. I can't bring myself to work. I can't bring myself to do things with my life that are right. Last night, a friend of mine and I nearly finished a full handle of rum. I don't even feel that bad about it, I have no regrets. But this ISN'T what I should be doing with my college experience, it really isn't.

Why can't I do what's right?

- D

Exhaustion

I've been feeling incredibly...tired; I'm just not ready to do anything anymore. I don't know what it is. It could be the fact that I'm disgustingly lazy, or it could be the fact that I definitely think to much about my life. I just wish there was some way I could start feeling more awake and actually ready to ACCOMPLISH something.

Take right now for example. I'm sitting in my dorm, it isn't even 11:00 PM and I'm about to go to bed. One of my best friends is coming back soon and we could hang out or do something, but I just don't feel the motivation to stay up... I've tried caffeine, oh yes, but one caffeine addiction and no change later I decided that that's not going to work. I literally can't think of much else to try to just get me out of bed and into my classes, my school. I want to have the discipline to do the work, I really do...but I just can't seem to bring myself to do it.

And you know what's ironic? I won't even fall asleep for another two hours...

- D

Stumped

Leave a comment or something on what I should blog about. I'm on spring break, therefore nothing important happens in my life, therefore there's nothing to blog on.

You still reading?

- D

Lackadaisical

I've become a very easygoing person recently. I see myself as being more patient and definitely more calm in every situation.

I think that it is a good way to live spontaneously. I don't like to plan anything, and if things are actually planned, I tend to stray from the guidelines set by the planners, whomever (or is it whoever) they may be. This lifestyle is incredibly fun and I credit it to a lot more opportunity to have fun. This way, if someone calls me to see if I'm free to hang out, I normally am. On the other hand, if I kept a schedule, I would end up regretting having to say no to certain people if they want to see me.

I'm very tired, having gorged myself on some soup, cheese, crackers, orange juice, and whipped cream as a midnight snack. I'm going to go to sleep now.

- D

Opinions

Sorry for not posting for a while. I have been extremely tired recently and whenever I'm not with friends or gaming, I'm asleep. That mixed with the excitement from being home for a week for spring break is causing me to lose a lot of my spare time for this kind of thing. Thank you for your concern but I am NOT dead, despite my sloth-like existence.

I have realized that many people hold many different opinions on certain things. Most of these are probably wrong, but it is these opinions that help us make it through the day. We convince ourselves that certain things are true so we can just move on with our lives. When these opinions are proven to be wrong, however, we dismiss them as juvenile and absurd while accepting the new found truth.

I don't even know what I'm talking about at this point. It certainly sounded a lot better in my head...

- D

Emotionless

I have reached a point in my life where I just don't feel any strong emotions about anything, and it's starting to bore me. I haven't been mad at someone to the point of actually yelling in a long time. I miss it. I'm not saying that yelling is a good way to live a life, but it is a healthy way of getting rid of pent up rage.

I've felt sad, as you can probably tell, but never sad enough to really care or change anything. That's why right now I'm hoping to turn towards exercise to help produce some sort of emotional reaction, whether it's just extreme pain. I really do miss being mad... No one at my school has seen me truly angry. And again, I'm not saying I should feel rage a lot, but it just feels SO FUCKING GOOD to let shit like that out.

- D

Her Part One

She shares all of my interests. She laughs at all of my jokes. She decides to spend a lot of time with me. Don't even get me started on her looks.

But, alas, she doesn't seem to be interested in anything else in our relationship, just like every other girl. She is committed to a guy that doesn't go to her school currently and isn't anywhere near her. I understand and I'm sorry that I feel this way, but damnit it's not exactly fair. I feel shallow or even mean for saying this; but it isn't fair that such perfect human beings can walk this earth, especially when I'm so close to them but can't get any closer.

- D

Comm Class Sitcom Part Two (The Look)

So there I was sitting in comm class watching the sitcom unfold in front of me. Lefty was doing stupid things on his computer hoping to gain Her attention. She decided that She just wanted to watch Righty and everything that he was doing. It was at this time Lefty decided to accidentally knock one of Her papers onto the floor, and then proceed to be the fine gentleman he is and pick it up. He was surprisingly smooth when he dropped it, but when he picked it up and gave it to Her, She took it and didn't even say thanks.

Then, his smile faded, he looked at his computer, and in the reflection of the computer screen, I saw his face turn into the sad image of a child who's toy was just taken away. We all know that feel, man....

- D

Sad Things

First things first...sorry I haven't posted very much recently, my now 9, and I'm assuming loyal, followers. I have been feeling extremely tired recently. And when I'm not in class or glued to the computer, gaming, I am passed out on my bed, or even on the floor (long story). Anyways, back to what I was talking about...

Nothing always ever goes my way, and I'm sure many of you are thinking the same thing. Now this is the part where you assume I'm going to type some bullshit uplifting thing into the box to make everyone feel better in a pathetic attempt  to make MYSELF feel better.

Well you're wrong...fuck you...I don't give a shit about you and neither does anyone else...So do what you want, my friend.

And if you have decided on suicide? Congratulations...the world is now your oyster.

- D

You

Yes. I'm talking to you. All of you. And me. Stop being so damn cold. Stop being narcissistic. Stop being a bigot. Stop being egotistical. Stop being passive aggressive. Stop trying to act like a "real man." Stop all the power plays. Stop being condescending. Stop it. Seriously. It pisses everyone off.

It doesn't matter how generous you think you are, because 99% of the things that you do, even if it isn't even close to directly, are for selfish reasons.

I don't care if this loses me viewers. I don't care if one of the possibly 5 people that read this blog just plain old stops, because even if you stop reading here, you've heard my point and eventually it will sink in. That's the plan at least...

Everyone is equal. Yes you, you're not fooling anyone. You may think you're smarter, or stronger, or purer, or whatever-er. Everyone has the same potential to prove their worth whichever way they want. All of us, however, are too damn focused on proving that we are better that none of us take the time to actually better ourselves. The reason I created this blog was in hopes of passing along at least some of the knowledge that I hope to have learned in my life. This is pretty much my entire message, this post.

tl;dr : Stop trying to fool yourself; you're no better than the rest of us.

- D

Comm Class Sitcom Part One (The Setting)

So in my comm class, there's this group of three people sitting two rows in front of me. Leaving names out of it, there is a girl with a boy on either side. The boy on the left (lets call him Lefty) clearly has an interest in this girl (lets call her a capitalized version of the subject, Her). He approaches it the wrong way, however. He tries his best to be completely hipster and every time he looks at/says something funny, he looks at her for what looks like acceptance. However, she does not appear to be interested in him.

The boy on the right (lets call him Righty) has a scraggly beard but a clean appearance; and she appears to be quite fond of him. He doesn't pay all that much attention to her, appearing to have other things on his mind. How I take it, however, is that he is also interested in her, but is approaching it the correct way. It's more of an adult approach to the classic "hard-to-get" method which I fail at.

Well, from my point of view (slightly biased I must admit, for I am also interested in this girl), this situation is hilarious. Left does everything he can to get Her attention. Class is over though, so more on this later...

- D

Her Part Four

This is all I'm going to say... Why the hell is it so hard to get over some people?

- D

Myself

What happened tonight was the most influential/effective stuff that has ever happened to me. I know that if you know me personally (because you're probably my mom or sister), you want to know what happened; so you should just call me.

This is the first blog that I've directly done about myself. This is the first time that I've actually spilled myself out to the internet. I've never really opened up to anyone... I've never really told anyone my true feelings. I am a pathetic person... I am gross in some ways, but what most of you don't know is that I am very gifted. I can normally tell what people feel about things, and how they want things to change.

However, I don't know how to do anything about it... I don't know how to change anything around me, and I am too scared to try. You will probably find out more in another post...

- D

Them

They are the closest people to you. Family gets close, but there is no one as close to you as your friends are. Best friends are those people who always know exactly how to help you; and they are willing to help you do anything. You can trust them with every essence of your soul. It doesn't even matter what you've been through with them or how long you've known them; because you know when you are close enough to someone to truly trust them. There is no doubt. There is no suspicion that they might betray you.

You know that they will always be faithful. You know that no matter what, they will be with you through all of your hard times. Also, there is no way to explain it. It is impossible, literally IMPOSSIBLE, to explain how it is that you can trust these people. They might ridicule you; they might even poke fun at you in front of large crowds. But, in your mind, there is no doubt that these friends will help.

It doesn't matter what happens to you either... It doesn't matter how severe the incident is; they will be there. You know that they will and it is that which will help you through any problem that you are facing.

I'm sorry if this is gibberish. I'm sorry if you really do not feel the same way, but you and I both know deep inside that it's true. I don't care what happens. You. Are. Fine. Shit goes down. All can go to hell. But there are always those people who will help you out of it. I don't care what internet cretins are reading this, but I know that you all feel the same, even if you don't realize it yet. And for those who know me? Call me whenever. Know that: I. Love. You.

I WILL help. This is one of the most sincere things that I have ever written. I don't care if I don't even know you personally... Find someone else, share it... Tell them to talk to me. I don't care who it is, but I WILL help you. Just let me know.

- D

Regrets

Everyone does things that they regret in their own head. These things might be really harmless, or outwardly offensive towards a crowd. However terrible these things are, though, there is always a way to get past them and forget why you regret them so much. Things can get bad, and everyone makes mistakes; but that's just it, everyone makes mistakes. You can't be blamed for everything that you do, and you certainly can't be blamed for everything that happens to you.

If you regret something, you will feel like the loneliest person in the world. That's when you need to remember that there ARE people that care about you. There ARE people that would die for your safety. Just this knowledge alone, if truly understood, makes it so one is never alone.

- D

Private School

If you're reading this and have gone to my private school, Nysmith, then you probably think that it didn't really prepare you for much of the studying you are going to have to do in high school and college. This is true. However, I believe that Nysmith taught me a certain way of thinking, an entirely different train of thought that I utilize every day.

I can't explain to you why I think it has and I really have no idea how I would have been taught it, but I know that there are some talents that me and fellow Nysmith alumni share. Firstly, for some reason, I am very good at grammar. You may notice some grammar mistakes in my blog, yes, but it's either just me being careless or true poetic license. Secondly, all of us are very good at seeing people for who they truly are. Again, this is hard to explain; but I believe it is relevant in almost all aspects of life.

Thanks Nysmith, for everything and nothing. Thanks for random skills that I'm not even sure I acquired there. But most of all, thanks for great friends that I somehow still have.

- D

Basketball Game

In this post, there will be no deep thought; there will be no ignorant musings. I am just remarking upon the extremely entertaining basketball game I went to. It was George Mason vs. VCU. I go to George Mason so obviously I was cheering for them. There were remarkable plays throughout the entire game, but the ending was the best part. We were tied with about three minutes left and we started trading baskets.

With about 30 seconds left, VCU was ahead by a good amount of points. That was when Mason started making a lot of points. We would make a basket and then foul them so the clock stops. Eventually, we are behind by two and it is our ball with two seconds left. This was literally the ending of a game out of a movie. One of our players gets the ball and shoots the three pointer right before the buzzer went off.

When the ball went in the basket, everyone in the stadium LOST THEIR SHIT. Everyone literally went batshit crazy. People were yelling, screaming, throwing things; it was amazing. This was the first game I'd been to this year with all of my friends and it was a photograph game. Thanks to everyone at Mason.

- D

Kawridge

College is mostly only composed of three elements. There are classes, those pesky things between waves of social contact and sleep. Students should spend around 90% of their time focusing on classes. In reality, however, most students spend about 20% of their time actually studying. It probably increases throughout a student's college career, but since I am only a freshman, I can only account for so much.

The other element of college life is the social aspect. Purely platonic relationships take up about 30% of a college student's life. They can be friends, roommates, suitemates, and friends of friends with whom you are forced to see on a regular basis.

The last 50%, at least for the men in college, is spent on trying to have sex. It is why we do things and it makes most of our decisions for us. The libido controls way too many aspects of our life. It makes sense, though, because the only way a species can survive is if they live long enough to be able to reproduce. The human race is just fulfilling their part.

- D

Loneliness

Everybody feels loneliness at different times, and to different extents. There are also circumstances where one can feel lonely while surrounded by people. People have to remember though, that there is always someone thinking about them. You think about certain people and wish that they were there. There is someone else that you don't often think about who is thinking about you. There are always people who care about you and you have to remember that.

You're not alone.

- D

Friends

Friends will leave you. People can suddenly become uninterested in you. You won't necessarily remain acquainted with certain people forever. Throughout my friendship with this one person, we became very close. We chose to have classes together and every day when we both got home, we would remain in touch over the Internet. However, just recently, we disagreed on one certain large subject and it opened our eyes to how much we really disagree with each other.

Most people, if under the right circumstances, won't bat an eye towards leaving you behind to walk in the cold, alone...

- D

Australia

My sister landed in Australia today. She left yesterday at 4:00 PM and arrived today at 4:00 PM. I can't imagine such a long flight... Also, when she landed, the time in Australia was 8:00 AM a day later than it was here. She only spent about four hours on Saturday...

I can't imagine getting off the plane on a new continent with literally infinite directions which I could take. I know that she has a room at the college she is temporarily going to, but after she's done putting down her things there, she can go wherever she wants. Crazy...

- D

Anger

I've never actually hit anyone before in true anger. I've gotten close and I've had my fair share of punching walls; but I've never actually struck anyone in anger. I got close today... What really sets me off is both ignorance, and condescension: when people think that they're better than everyone else and have no trouble showing it.

People also show anger in many different ways... I choose the more silent, wimpy approach, where I blog about my troubles to you few people who randomly stumbled upon this. Other people actually decide to deal with their problems, which normally leads to more conflict than necessary. The third way is to complain to people that are close to you. Although I do this from time to time, I don't recommend it, because it just leads to awkward relationships of the worst kind...

- D

Her Part Three

So, as it turns out, I was very right. She wasn't interested, and I don't think that there is anything I can do to change that. I just hope, that within a small amount of time, I am back to being only friends with her and not wanting any more; because the way things are going, I don't think that I am going to get any more from her...

- D

My Sister

This post isn't going to be about my random opinions on the planet, but rather, my sister. Earlier, she left for Australia for a study abroad program with her school. She is going to be gone for about 5 months. This is going to be hard for me because I am very close with her. I am going to miss her for the entire time that she is gone.

ALSO, when I finish my second semester of college, I am going to go to Aussie land to visit her for about two weeks, which is going to be awesome. I can't wait to see her and see how she is doing in such a far away place. I will blog more about this tomorrow...

- D

Anonymity

The power of being truly anonymous is not something to be taken lightly. However, in this day and age, it is nearly impossible to be TRULY anonymous. There is always something that will lead back to you somewhere. But, if there is a 100% certainty that your identity is truly hidden from all view, then there are no limits as to what you can do. Whether it's on the internet or even in a real life setting, anonymity is everything. Because in that situation, the one with the anonymity is the one with the least to lose, because he/she literally has nothing to lose.

- D

Liar, Liar

Everybody lies. All of us. Oh...you don't? Shut up, stop lying, yes you do. From the beginning of spoken word, people have lied. It's for a lot of different reasons, but it all roots from the same thing...the inability to completely trust others. Nobody unconditionally trusts another. It's not programmed in our brains to completely rely on someone else. That brings me to one of my all time favorite quotes:

"Beware of he who withholds information, for he dreams himself your master." - Anonymous

- D

Her Part Two

She jokes around. She makes subtle flirts that you don't think mean anything. You can never be sure though, and that's why you don't stop trying. But on the other hand, you don't know enough about her to make a move.

And every time, without fail, when you decide to make a move, she's not there anymore. You take a look at what happened, and she moved on. She's with someone else.

Once you realize all of this, the next time that it happens you might know better, and it might turn out better for you. But probably not...

- D

Tough Guy Act

You know the people. They insist that if they don't like it, then you shouldn't like it or you're "gay." They make fun of things that they actually support and support things that they actually dislike just to earn the respect of the majority. Tough guys. Fuck that. Why can't all of us just be ourselves all the time. Why can't we just go on with what we want to do...

It doesn't make any sense.

- D

Scare Tactics

Why do people freak out over viruses or phishing scams? People spend great deals of time complaining or trying to fight malicious attacks against their computers or their online accounts. As long as people stop being stupid, there is no reason any of them should be getting viruses or becoming the victim of scams.

I'm not saying to not be careful. Sure, check the sources of every e-mail that you receive. Sure, freak out whenever you open an e-mail that you shouldn't. But, don't start yelling at people you know for doing things on the internet that may or may not be safe or secure.

Those stories about "experts on computer security," getting caught by a scam or virus, are 80% complete bullshit and 20% ridiculous circumstances. Don't be scared by these stories, and don't stop surfing the web because of them. Just don't be an idiot on the internet...

- D

Public Speaking

I'm about to give a speech for my public speaking class. I at least know the names of everyone in the room, all of them have to do the same speech, and it's on a movie that I feel passionately about. So why am I nervous? I'm extroverted, not socially awkward, and I love talking to people; but for some reason, I feel like this speech is gonna kill me...

- D

No Currency

Imagine a world with no currency, where everyone does work for the better of their community as a whole. This causes no war, no jealousy, and no conflict. This world, however, cannot exist, because our human race is intrinsically selfish. We have to have more than the person next to us. If we don't, we cannot be happy in that situation.

I'm not trying to say you need to have everything to be happy, but there is a part of all of us that wants to have more than our neighbors.

- D

I Believe in the Coxswain's Voice

It was semi-finals. I was rowing in the last 300 meters of the race. My legs burned, I couldn't see, and the only things I could hear were the sound of the oarlocks clicking and the coxswain's voice. We were in close second place right behind our rival team.

It was at this moment when the coxswain said it. He reminded us that our boat did not make finals during this same race last year. Time stopped. It was as if everything that I had ever worked for in life didn't matter if I didn't win this race. My legs stopped burning, my eyes focused, and the only thing between me and that finish line were 250 meters of unforgiving water. That one sentence changed that race forever for me and for the rest of the rowers in that boat.

I believe in the coxswain's voice, the unrelenting motivation brought by a few simple words to the mind of a living machine. I believe in the power of the right words at the right time. It is these words that push us to be our best in life, and drive us to succeed. It is motivation when we most need it that makes us thrive in life.

Everybody knows that feeling, too. It's the feeling when you think you're about to give up, but something happens or somebody tells you something that makes you try harder than you were trying before. You suddenly find your inner strength not to quit, and to push through the hard times. When it feels like all is lost, your heart begins to race and nothing can stop you.

I've been a coxswain. I've said those few words. To me, it's an idea. To the rowers, it's a few gravelly words muttered through a cox box that makes all the difference.

I believe in the coxswain's voice, the glimmer of light in an enveloping darkness.

I believe in the coxswain's voice, the shred of hope in an otherwise overwhelming situation.

- D

What Time Is It?

It's 12:44.

Everyone feels a special need to fill in moments of silence with small talk whenever they are around other people. People unconsciously fill in those moments with bullshit sentences that don't mean anything at all. It just feels really awkward when no one is talking. That doesn't mean that there always needs to be something to talk about; there doesn't. It just means that there can never be nothing to talk about.


And those moments where nothing comes to mind? Hm... Never thought about that.

- D

Drunk

So. Blogging while intoxicated. Certainly different. I feel like I'm writing much shorter sentences than I usually do and I am also typing a great deal slower. I am also slowly falling asleep so I have to finish this quickly otherwise it might go unpublished.

There are so many things that I wish that I'd done in life. I want to spend more time with my dad; he's not gonna be around forever, and I love him with all my heart. I want to be more honest with my friends and I want them to be more honest with me. World peace, world hunger, etc. Mostly, I want to learn more about myself and the things I can accomplish. I want to find my true potential in this world and fulfill it, because for some reason I refuse to act towards the direction I want to.

So I don't know why I decided to make a list of things I want. It just kind of flowed out so I wrote it down... Oh well, it's for the best. I will read this tomorrow and I might actually change something that's happening in my life for the better.

Wow. As I'm typing I realize how much I like the feel of this keyboard and how it types. Huh. That's sort of random, but I guess I'd been thinking about it all along...

- D

Illusion of Knowledge

One of the many things that people don't tell you that you learn in college, is how to decide what work you have to do and what work you don't have to do. This is because many, if not all, teachers assign busy work. They don't do it on purpose all of the time, but you just don't need to do all of this work in order to learn the material.

Half of the stuff teachers present in their class is complete bullshit. It's an illusion of learning that the teachers force upon us in order to teach us one thing: to sort through bullshit. This is one of the most reliable bits of knowledge you will learn throughout your life.

This skill allows you to gather information from previously unreliable sources. It allows you to learn things where knowledge was previously unavailable. As long as you can differentiate between the reliable and the unreliable, there are no limits as to how far you can go.

- D

Alcohol and Other Drugs

Why do human beings feel the need to drink when they want to? What makes us so addicted to feeling differently than we are supposed to? It doesn't make sense why people, including me, don't want to think how they normally think and prefer to make mistakes while intoxicated or otherwise under the influence. It might be because normal life is boring and people want to spice things up, but the next morning there is an 80% chance that we will just regret what happened the night before...

Ironically, I am mildly intoxicated right now while writing this, and for some reason it feels sort of good. The blur of the world and the lack of importance of everything that happens is sort of fun/interesting. People also look at you differently when they are drunk and this is also the reason guys prefer girls drunk...

I'm not condemning anyone reading this that uses any types of drugs or alcohol, cause I do as well; but I'm just saying that next time you do, think of the reason you feel compelled to do so. Also, try not to drink when you're sad, because that can lead to some very upsetting things.

- D

Silly Generalizations

Everyone my age is arrogant, including me. This is not to say that we don't care about others, cause we do; but we rarely do anything that doesn't SOMEHOW further ourselves in the world. There are two kinds of people, though. There are people who are truly self-centered, who literally always see their own opinion as the better one. There are also people who will actually pay attention to other people's needs if those people concern them. I'm not saying that those people will go out of their way to help people in need all the time, but if these people see someone and can assist without hurting themselves or anyone else too much, they most always will.

I'm not sure which one of these types of people I am. The fact that I'm writing this blog right now, and you the reader (random person who stumbled upon it somehow and doesn't even care) are reading it, means that I am to some extent infatuated with myself. On the other hand, I like to see myself as someone who cares for other people and normally doesn't hesitate to help whenever possible.

Oh well, these are probably just the ignorant ramblings of someone who just took 4 melatonin tablets and really needs his sleep...

- D

One Person

In every situation, consciously or not, there is always someone in charge. There is always a person who most of the people unconsciously see as the most powerful in that specific situation. This person also seems to mostly be the one with the least to lose, the spectator, if I may. Think about that in the next situation you're in...

- D

Her

There's always that one girl... She sits in front of you in class. She seems almost perfect, but you know that you'll probably never get to know her. There's that boy who sits next to her and hits on her all class; he is probably very nice but to you he is not. You learn to dislike him a little.

That's how it always is with girls. There is always that guy, who in every other circumstance could be your friend, but since he is with her, he is your enemy. It's taken me a while to learn that, while you may be "in love" with this girl, it's not really love... It's circumstantial...it's shallow, only surface. You talk to a girl who is in your opinion very attractive and interesting, and within a week you will think that you're in love.

- D

I Saw You On /soc/

So there's this guy I've met online. He seems to be obsessed with an old game on computer. I enjoy computer games very much, but this guy more than likes this particular game. He keeps trying to convince me to play it and I really don't want to. He should take the hint. Maybe I'll send this to him...

- D

CS Itself

Sometimes I wish that I had stuck with my original choice of being a Computer Science major. On my way out of the Engineering building today, I overheard two guys talking about some sort of project they were working on which involved an interesting sounding program. There's something nice about the specific type of math that is involved in the programming world. It's an entirely different way of thinking and it is one that I understand very much.

However, it just doesn't interest me when I imagine working with computers long term. That reminds me of my dad, and nothing against the old man, but that's what he did and I feel like I should be different. My dad didn't do too well in life. He found an amazing women and had some great kids (myself included), but he found a lot of it through luck. He was a brilliant man, but it was his laziness that got him down. I'm very worried about that myself. Oh well, I have to do homework now. If I decide it's worth doing that is...

- D

CS Mishap

So I turned on Skype while in Computer Ethics and there was a loud blast through my speakers. I love it how the teacher paused and then pretended NOTHING happened. The professor had two options. He could have called me out, and he could have pretended it didn't happen. I think it's fantastic that he chose the latter, because it shows me that he does not really like confrontation. I wonder that since he is teaching a one credit course that all of us must take, he feels pressured by the student base to entertain them more than if it was a class that every student chose. Food for thought.

- D

Third Post

I don't understand it when people don't like to mix their foods. When it comes to thanksgiving or any other meal for that matter, I am of the strong opinion that doing anything short of blending the food is delicious.

- D

Day Number What

I almost missed my class this morning... I decided to go back to sleep after my alarm went off. On an unrelated note, I have to go home alone this upcoming weekend in order to take care of my dog while the rest of my family goes to a dance for my sister. I originally considered having a party, but then I realized that I would probably be happier to just stay home on my own with my dog.

As I'm writing this, my psychology professor is talking about children with Down's syndrome. I know that some parents can know that their child has Down's syndrome before they are born and some of those parents decide to abort the baby based on that information. This has caused a lot of controversy in our world today. I personally believe that abortion should be legal. I don't know what I would do if the baby were mine, but I strongly believe that the parents should have that option.

- D

Untitled

I normally don't express my thoughts to the public, or even people that are close to me. I normally keep my feelings and ideas to myself, where they mingle with each other and eventually become forgotten. Before I bore you with ramblings, however, let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am currently a freshman in college with a planned major of psychology. I have a decent amount of friends, none of which know the true me. I have to hide myself day in and day out because if people did know the true me, how cynical I am and how much I judge those around me, I wouldn't have very many friends. I am very good with computers, and I consistently fix them for a good price. That is how I am currently making my money. My parents are kind enough to pay for college, so I don't have to worry about that.

I doubt that this blog will really reach anyone and there probably won't be anybody who will get the chance to read this, but it feels good to write it down anyways.

I am a man of very radical views and an extremely skewed code of ethics. I know how to conform to society and stay out of everyone's way, but the way society functions is not always how I like it. I won't get into anything specific now, for I have class in half and hour and I still need to shower, but believe me, I'll tell you later.

- D