Apolog-easy

Sort of a cheesy title, isn't it...

How can we possibly tell if an apology is actually genuine and heartfelt. Little known fact, most of them aren't. It doesn't matter how big your ego is, people do not like to apologize. It's a very blatant way of telling someone that you are worse than them when it comes to certain circumstances. That's why no one really likes to apologize, and they rarely do it willingly.

And I'm not talking about post-accident apologies. You know where you accidentally break someones wine glass or something. I'm talking about the I'm-sorry-I-led-you-on-for-years type of apology, the shit that actually matters. People need to just come right and say that they're sorry instead of just pretending nothing happened and moving on...

Now back to my book...

- D

New Faces

I had a fascinating experience today. I was planning to hang out with someone from my English class to discuss a project to which we were assigned. She is a very attractive girl named Mrika (pretty name). Well we got to talking, and as some conversations unfortunately go, we stumbled upon the topic of religion.

As most of you probably know, I am an atheist, and don't particularly respect religion that much. Mrika, as it turned out, is Catholic. Even though I don't respect religion, she put it in the most amazing way. She talked about how it's hard for her to humble herself and just follow her blind faith toward the religion she believes. She pointed out that the more she learns about science and how the world works, the harder it is to believe in something like religion.

I've had countless arguments with other people on the matter of religion. None, however, actually left me leaving refreshed and more respectful towards the religion. Thanks, Mrika, I hope to get to know you more...

- D

Priorities

I might go dark on my blog for a while, for I am beginning a new book! This one probably won't last, but whatever. This means that I will be spending my potential blogging time writing a book instead. If things happen in my life, however, I will still post about it, because I'm a sap who loves attention.

- D

Unsuccessful

Decided to pull an all-nighter which is ending right about now. Got out of all my classes today, which is good, because I'm feeling absolutely awful, like sick or something. It's not the tired kind of awful either, just overall bad. So I emailed my professors and told them that I couldn't be at class; there was nothing really important going on today anyways.

The unsuccessful part is that I'm about to go to bed. I don't like going to bed at this time because it always fucks with my body clock, but oh well, sleep might feel good I guess. I also learned a lot more about my psyche and have decided to start writing a book. I don't think it will last, but this time (third time I've tried), I actually really like the subject I'm writing it on.

But for now folks, good night, see you another day/night/life...

- D

What A Long Strange Trip It's Been

First year of college -- almost over... A lot of memories, a few good friends, some less than adequate grades, but most of all, experience. I know a little bit more about what to expect from people. Nobody really cares about anyone else. They really only care about themselves in the end. Also, there really is no true way to know exactly what a person thinks of you as a person; they will always lie and tell you what they want you to think.

On a completely unrelated note, I have been texting one of my friends from high school recently. It's incredibly refreshing to text her and know that she actually cares about me/won't judge me constantly when I'm with her. I really think I like her, and now realize how much I actually miss her.

I don't think she reads this blog, but I wish she knew how excited I was to see her over the summer; I really want to hang out with her a lot. It's people like that that really give me more hope in people; she makes me wonder whether there are other caring people out there; just like my sister; just genuinely good people who actually look out for your well-being and your feelings every once in a while. I miss my sister as well, living life to the fullest in both New Zealand AND Australia, the lucky SOB.

- D

Creative Title

Believe me, I'm going to keep doing the same thing; I don't like change. I just wish that people around me would recognize me and help ME for once.

At what point does it stop becoming satisfying to help people? I like to listen; and from my point of view, I think I'm good at it. I like to help people work out their problems; and again, from my point of view, I think I mostly have a positive impact. Where it gets irritating, though, is when people take you for granted... It gets to the point where people don't recognize the good that you are doing, and all they see is the few selfish things that you do.

I have problems, too...I don't see anyone caring.

- D

But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them

I really like you. I do. You're so nice, and sweet, and you listen to all my problems and respond with the appropriate compliments. But, well, I don't really see a relationship in our future. It would be terrible if we let sex destroy this great friendship we have where I get everything I want and you get nothing you want. Don't you think?

I knew you would understand. You always do.

We're so perfect as friends, you know? I can tell you anything, and you know you can always come to me anytime you need to hear me bitch about work or how ugly I feel. You wouldn't want to ruin a friendship like that just so you could be my boyfriend, and have me look at you with desire and longing in my eyes, if only once—would you? Of course not. Well, if we started dating, it would only complicate this wonderful setup I've got going here.

It's just…you're like my best friend, and I would hate for something you desperately want to change that. I mean, sure, we could go on some dates, maybe mess around a little and finally validate the six years you've spent languishing in this platonic nightmare, but then what? How could we ever go back to the way we were, where I take advantage of your clear attraction to me so I can have someone at my beck and call? That part of our friendship means so much to me.

No. We are just destined to be really, really good friends who only hang out when I don't have a boyfriend, but still need male attention to boost my fragile and all-consuming ego.

Anything can happen once you bring romance in. Think about how awful my last relationship was at the end, remember? The guy I'd call you crying about at 3 a.m. because he wouldn't answer my texts? The guy I met at the birthday party you threw me? I had insanely passionate sex with him for four months and now we don't even talk anymore. God, I would die if something like that happened to us.

Plus, ick, can you even imagine getting naked in front of each other? I've known you so long, you're more like a brother that I've drunkenly made out with twice and never mentioned again. It'd be way too weird. And if we did, then whenever you'd come shopping with me, or go to one of my performances or charity events, or take me for ice cream when I've had a bad day at work, you'd be looking at me like, "I've seen her breasts." God, I can't think of anything more awkward that that.

Oh, before I forget, my mom says hi.

Anyway, you would totally hate me as your girlfriend. I'd be all needy and dramatic and slowly growing to love you. If I was your girlfriend, I would never be able to tell you all about the other asshole guys I date and pretend I don't see how much it crushes you. Let's never lose that. That's what makes us us.

Don't worry. You're so funny and smart and amazing, any girl but me would be lucky to date you. You'll find someone, I know it. And when you do, I'll be right by your side to suddenly become all flirty and affectionate with you in front of her, until she grows jealous and won't believe it when you say we're just friends. But when she dumps you, that's just what we'll be.

Best friends. Friends forever...

Now, you might notice that this is, in fact, from The Onion... I just wanted to post it because it is the story of everything in my life...

- D

Blogception

This blog has become a lot more about me and my fucked up problems that don't actually matter than what I actually meant this blog to be like. Sorry for being cynical and narcissistic. I don't mean to be, but that's the way I am. I'll try to post about more interesting thoughts I guess... It's just so easy to vent in this pseudo-anonymous fashion.

- D

I Hate Apologies

I am completely pissed off at my current social situation. I want out and I don't want to see any of the people that I currently hang around with. I am constantly being walked all over and I can tell that no one really gives a shit what I want. All I ever try to do is help, but people take that for granted and purposefully make fun of me. So fuck it, I'm done; I'm going to stop being nice all the time. It doesn't matter what the hell you think of me because I'm done. There might be one or two of you that I might be fine with keeping in touch with; but for the most part; fuck you.

All the guys are just obsessed with power play. They are completely obsessed with proving that they are better than every other guy; it's like we're in high school. I don't care about who I'm better than, but it's just god damn irritating when every person around you is completely obsessed with it.


You know what the sad part is? Tomorrow, I am going to go back to my normal self, completely over this temporary moment of lucidity. I am not going to try to change anything because I'm worried about what people think of me. There, I said it. I'm worried about the way that people think about me. I try not to admit it, but it's true; I actually care about my social image. Fuck.

- D

Psyche

Today in English, we were discussing torture; it was because of some article we read.

The girl next to me said these words, I fuck you not: "If I was tortured, I'd just laugh." No you would not. If you were tortured, you would yell and scream like the rest of us. That's just a ridiculous thing to say. The human psyche is an easy thing to break if one inflicted enough pain to the body. Consider this, and keep in mind, it's incredibly dark to think about...

Someone kidnaps a woman who is about nine months pregnant and delivers the baby as safely as he can. He then allows the woman to become attached to the child. After attachment is established, which would only take a day or two, he gives the woman a choice every day: for her to be tortured, or her child. Since protection of young is built into human instinct, the woman would obviously choose herself. This would continue for weeks and maybe even months; but there would be a distinct time where she would completely snap and tell him to torture the baby.

This is the scary part of human torture; everyone has a breaking point. It's terrifying but also fascinating to think about (sorry for this being such a dark post). It just annoys me that some people think that they would be fine if they were captured/abducted and tortured.

- D

Benefits

Today in psychology class we discussed how relationships work. This wasn't very easy for me because I have never been in one. If you talk to someone that is in a relationship, they are all "oh relationships aren't that great, they're really overrated." Well that might be true if you see it that way, but if all someone wants is just someone they can talk to in a more intimate setting, then relationships aren't overrated.

They are very important for retaining someone's sanity. If there is someone that you share everything with, everything will be much easier to deal with.

- D

Revenge of the Nerds

I've always wanted to rave about this, so here goes.

Why the fuck are the words nerd and geek always given a negative connotation... Why is playing certain games or involving yourself with certain activities considered to be uncool behavior and make you rejected by the majority? I don't do many of these things; I like to think that I hang out with people outside of the Internet sometimes...but I know that I have been pinned as a nerd many-a-time.

Why the hell is that a bad thing? Nerds are known to have a higher intelligence and will probably make more money later in life. There is no reason for nerds to be rejected by society and have to hide what they like to do best. If people want to LARP, then they should do it as long as it doesn't bother anyone else or get in the way of their education.

It's ridiculous, our society....

- D

Simple Procrastination

I really should be writing my outline right now, but I can't really get it started; which sucks, because it's due tomorrow and it's going to take me at least an hour after I actually work on it. Oh well, I really feel like writing a post tonight.

I'm really an introvert at heart, but for some reason I always end up around loads of people. I somehow end up in a large group of friends who annoy me all the time. I am definitely more comfortable when I'm alone with my games; just me and all the people on the computer with whom I don't need to speak. I think it's because I'm constantly jealous of those around me and very insecure about every element of myself. But somehow, at the same time, I have an absurdly inflated ego.

On an equally depressing note, my desktop has recently broken, forcing me to do all of my homework on my tiny netbook. You might be thinking, "but, D, since your computer is broken, you shouldn't need to procrastinate because you have no games to play." Man you're smart, that's what I thought, too! But nonetheless, I'm stuck here jumping from Facebook to 4chan doing absolutely fuck nothing.

- D